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October 30 The Power of LaughterI have made it my mission to make store cashiers that I come in contact with laugh before I leave the store. Unfortunately it is often at the expense of my lovely wife Stacey!
Why? Because the power of laughter is wonderful and cashiers have to deal with people, grumpy or otherwise, all day who all too often don’t even acknowledge their existence and I’ve always had a desire to be a stand up comic.
Oh look there’s ball…..I have a friend from Saint John who has gone back to school to be a stand up comic. Seriously, there is a college course at Humber that teaches how to be a stand up comic. That is wonderful and I would love to do something like that. So John Mazerolle good luck and best wishes to you. You have far more determination and courage than I will ever have.
And I hope John has a wonderfully successful career. He is a very wonderful and funny writer but to transition that to the stage is big leap. For his courage and perseverance I applaud him.
For me, (back on the main track…..) I’ll take my small step and do it to a limited audience in the grocery or drug store line-up, which is probably better than the police line up. “so did you hear the one about the cop who……”, yeah I don’t think that would work to well.
I’m really lucky. My very wonderful wife Stacey is often the foil for my jokes. But she laughs along and has, without words, given me permission to be the goofy self I love to be.
Take yesterday for example. We were in Shoppers Drug Mart. She lined up in the cash line, and soon several people lined up behind her. I was entertaining Bethany with the Halloween toys and eventually wondered to where Stacey was standing in line. Of course right there in front of everyone, in all it glory and colour, are all those wonderfully stimulating and intellectually challenging tabloids. I stood several feet away from Stacey and loudly asked her; “OK, let’s see which celebrity is having an affair with an alien this week!” and then followed up with “oh look, another story about Brad and Angelie, I’m so excited.” My voice dripping with all the sarcasm I could mustard.
The lady behind Stacey immediately started to chuckle…oh I had a live (and susceptible) audience and that’s all I need. Slipping beside Stacey as she rang our purchases through I did a “politically incorrect” British accent, poking fun at the Halloween decorations, and then the cashier asked Stacey the all important question “do you have an Optimum Card?”
Knowing full well she does I promptly asked where it was. Stacey pulled out her wallet, to which I (again louder than necessary) announce, “What you don’t have it out already?” The cashier flashed a grin, the lady behind Stacey had a look of mixed shock (what the hell is he saying) and amusement (why doesn’t she have Optimum Card out?)
Stacey went for her purse to find it, but it wasn’t in the “normal” spot so she was now searching. “you mean you are going to make all these people wait while you search for your card?”. I thought the cashier was going to go for cover.
Now every male knows a women’s purse is like a black hole for all things. Stacey begins digging. I peer over her shoulder and say “you know you are just like the little old ladies who wait for the last minute to find the exact change”. Switching voice I say ‘just a sec, I know it here is somewhere, yes, here it is, 25, 30, 40 cents…..”. I thought the cashier was going to pee herself. The lady behind Stacey was now outright laughing.
And thank goodness for the wonderful person Stacey is. She begins laughing right along and looks at me and dead pans “you are such an ass!”
“A good one” I promptly reply.
That is one of the many wonderful things I love about Stacey. She lets me be goofy, plays the straight man (er person) and never complains. Then as we walk away from the cashier she takes out her mitten (it is getting cold here) and promptly begins to “beat” me with it all the way out of the store and repeats “you are such an smart ass”. Of course all of that is spoken through her streams of laughter and chuckles from those we’ve left behind.
Later on we get to a book store and are browsing. Stacey loves books and devours them like nobody I know, so this is like being in a candy store. She is lost in her world of titles and authors trying to figure out which LA Bank novel she hasn’t got yet.
I’m wondering aimlessly around the store, hands in pocket, just looking. The young man behind the counter quietly asks “Can I help you?”
My reply, “No I’m with her” and I point directly at Stacey, who, upon hearing her name looks up inquisitively. “But don’t tell her,” I say after an appropriate pause, “she doesn’t know I’m stalking her.”
The clerk chuckled and Stacey immediately followed with “oh he is such a dumb ass”.
And my mission is complete! I have made the mundane work of a couple of clerks at least a little more lively. I have made people laugh, which is so wonderful. Maybe that is part of the reason John is taking on the Comics course. Who knows.
And again I have to say how much I love my fabulous wife Stacey. She allows me and encourages me to be me (whether that is a smart or dumb ass), and act as goofy and zany as I want to be. And she laughs at my jokes.
So to each of you who might read this; the next time you are in a cashiers line up, don’t just ignore the poor soul who is robbing you. Get them to laugh and let your comedic self shine through.
Happy Halloween every. I hope you have a spooktacular evening. April 25 This is my life!This came across my desk today and I had to share. It is a sorry reflection on my life at the present time.
New Words for 2007
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who is responsible.
Seagull Manager: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. (I've had managers like this - fortunately my current is NOT like this at all - he is one of the good ones! No I'm not doing Assmosis
 )Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what is going on.
Mouse Potato: The online, weird generation's answer to the couch potato.
Sitcoms: Single income, two children, oppressive mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay at home with the kids.
WOOFS: Well off older folks. November 28 From the keeper fileSince I have nothing of importance to say, and am totally unmotivated to think of anything significant, I dipped into my "Keeper File". So here is something I did not write, but found either humours, or enough truth to warrant inclusion here.
For my friends, family and daughter in the BC and Alberta- hang in there - only four more months of winter! (he he he he he)
NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. November 05 Its all about making decisionsOne of my dislikes for shopping comes with having to make decisions. I don’t like to make decisions. I’ll analysis something from every angle; dissect all options; consider every possible outcome – all in the hope that I won’t have to make a decision. So it is with shopping.
Just like with the rug (which I went back and bought today and it looks OK in the room), I did the same thing with my winter boots.
Added to the challenge of getting over the dislike for shopping, when it comes to shoes, another curse I have is short wide feet, which make it very difficult to find shoes that fit well.
I’ve been poking around looking at winter boots for some time. One of my favourite stores (Mark’s Work Wearhouse) doesn’t bring in men’s shoes that are less than size 8. My foot is a 61/2 EEE.
After leaving Home Depot on Saturday I headed to North Bay Mall. I had some shopping to do at Wal-Mart and wanted to check out Sears for boots. Sears had some, which I looked at before (when Sears had a scratch and save weekend), but they still didn’t feel or look right and were not on sale now.
With frustration mounting I wonder off into the bowels of the mall. Intent on staying on my hunt (I am also looking for a new wallet and needed to get a gift card for a friend’s birthday coming up this week) I move with purpose to my next store.
Maybe, when I shop I need to take my time, stop and just wonder the stores, see what is there. That is what my cousin David does and not only is he a good shopper (and a great returner), but he seems to enjoy it. Nah! That’s not me. As I wondered the mall I realized there are benefits of being single. As I listened to couples or families bickering over where to go next, where to meet in 15 minutes, or just complaining at each other, I’m thinking “at least I don’t have that worry. With just me to worry about, I don’t have to worry about anyone else’s feelings or agenda”.
I finally ended up at “Payless Shoe Store”. This is a store I have a low opinion of. Don’t really know why, but it has never felt like a good store. I’ve wondered through there a few times, and even bought my motorcycle riding boots from a Payless in Saint John. With some misgivings I head in. At least they have all there shoes laid out by size, so you can quickly see if there is anything in your size.
But no sooner do I start my look when the dreaded sales associate shows up. Much to my surprise this one was easy to talk to and turned out to be most helpful. And despite me trying on numerous styles, sizes and taking what I thought was a long time to make a decision, she stuck it out. We had a wonderful conversation about things other than shoes. Did you know she has graduated with a teaching degree and is now looking for work, which is a little tough because she doesn’t want to leave North Bay. Her brother is also almost 40. I don’t know if she through that in to prove that she could talk to someone that old (namely me) or that she thought that age was really old! I even found myself being more at ease and being able to present my humorous and joking side – which I normally reserve for friends or special social events.
I did find a pair of boots that really fit my needs perfectly. They are warm and waterproof (good to -30C), they are stylish enough that I can wear them with my dress pants to work (without looking like I’m headed on a North Pole expedition), and the treads will be work well in both slush and ice.
But the most miraculous item was that I left the store actually having enjoyed the experience. I made a decision on a purchase. AND I had lots to choose from, which is usually a killer for my shopping experience. I was even able to say “no this one doesn’t feel good because……” Usually I can only give a half hearted, “I don’t know” response.
Maybe there is hope for me as a shopper! Next I’ll work up to Christmas – a season I love, but dread the coming up with gift ideas and then shopping for them.
Its late and I have to get ready for the week. You have a great one! November 04 Shopping - AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!Have I told you how much I don’t like shopping? AND not only do I not like it, I’m not very good at it!
Today was a classic example of it.
I have several things I either want or need.
I need winter boots. The do not need to be for really cold weather – I’ve got that covered. But they need to be waterproof, to handle the sloppy weather we get and probably good to about -20C (at that point I pull out the heavy artillery!).
I need weather stripping for my front door. When I walk into that area I can feel the wind blowing and the temperature is several degrees colder than the rest of the house.
I want a throw rug for my living room. The “fake” hardwood floor is nice, but I want something to “warm the room up” a bit.
I also needed to pick up a birthday gift card for Nicole’s son and a bunch of household stuff.
What better way to break the boredom of being alone than to go out for the afternoon shopping – but why, oh why, does it have to be so painful!
My first stop – the man’s store – Home Depot.
Now here comes my major challenge when I shop. As soon as I walk into the store I forget what it is I’m looking for. I’ve learnt to make a list before I head out, but even with that I get overwhelmed when I get to a store and my brain almost shuts down. OK, no comments from the peanut gallery about my brain not working at the best of time!
As I wonder into Home Depot I’m thinking “Crap, I really didn’t look closely at my front door to know what kind of weather stripping would be best. Oh, and I should look for a swag light to put over my dining room table”. (Long story, but when I moved in I reversed the layout of living room and dining room and now do not have a light over my table).
I nervously wondering into the lighting section. “Wow there is a nice light……..Oh CRAP! There is no way I’m paying $750 bucks for a light!” There were some nice lights in the $100 - $150 range, but they don’t look like they are swag….“I wonder if I can change it to put a plug on the end?” As usual – no sales associate around to answer that question, so I get frustrated and move on with no decision made.
Next stop – rugs! Throw rugs can be so gaudy! I know I want one, but have no idea what style or what color would go best in the room. OK, let’s start working through what’s here. On no, when I don’t want a sales associate one shows up, but she is kinda cute, so let’s open a conversation….
Sales Associate “Can I help you with anything today?”
“Well I’m just starting to look at throw rugs for my living room and am trying to get my eyes full”
Sales Associate “What style are you interested, contemporary, modern, traditional?”
The dumb look on my face must of provided the answer cause she immediately went on to ask “What color is your room?”
Now that one stumped me! No wait – “It’s blue” I answer, proud to have remembered that critical detail.
Sales Associate “Is that a light or dark blue?”
What’s with all the questions? Crap my mind goes blank. Am I suspose to know this? It's a trick question right?
For the life of me I can’t remember what the color of my living room is. I’ve only been in that room almost every day for the past year and half and I can’t remember!. “Ahhhhhh, it’s a dark blue, yeah dark blue”, my answer is less than convincing.
The sales associate was good enough to walk me through several options, none of which “jumped out at me”. That is how I usually buy something like this. I walk in and the item is just there. Then she shows me a neutral shade rug that is deeply discounted. Regular $375.00 for $75.00.
It looks good, but this means I have to make a decision…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can’t do it. Do I really need it, or is it a want I can put off? Do I have the money? (Of course you do you idiot, you can waste that much in an evening out!) “I have to check out the size of my room again, and I’ve just started to look” a good excuse to allow me to walk away and think about this.
Then it is off to look for winter boots. But this story is too long already so I will save that experience for tomorrow……..
Oh and by the way – I’m going back to buy that rug tomorrow because not only will fit perfectly in my room, the color will go well with what I have. If I only knew that going in I could of saved myself a lot of headaches! October 25 Take A Leap!Oh, oh, oh, can I live vicariously through my daughter!?
My eldest called me yesterday and boldly informed me that on Friday she is going to jump out of an airplane. Now one would think the normal parental reaction should be “No bloody way!” But I couldn’t help but be excited for her.
I have thought about sky diving several times in my lifetime, although never seriously enough to take action on those thoughts. The closest I’ve come was the “Drop Of Doom” at the West Edmonton Mall and the Xtreme Skyflyer at Canada’s Wonderland (a 170-foot power flight that takes riders through a breathtaking pendulum swing, soaring a mere six feet above the ground at a speed of over 100 Km/hr! - yeah I pulled that from their website).
Kyla has always enjoyed thrill rides, but she never struck me as dare devil. Heck, she wouldn’t go on the Skyflyer (it was her younger sister who coerced me into that little adventure!). So I was surprised to hear she was planning to do this. She has done a lot of growing and maturing since she entered college. Although I thought college was suppose to teach you to be smarter......
I could try and stop her talk her out of this little adventure, but hey, she is over 20 and very capable of making her own decision. And I think this is a wonderful opportunity, so how could I throw cold water on the idea.
Life would get too boring if we did only those things that were absolutely safe (see all of my other posts to this blog!). Yes, there is danger is what she is going to do, but you need to take calculated risks in life. This is one of those. Kyla will be in a tandem jump (she will be strapped to a seasoned jumper) and one has to believe that the school (who is sponsoring the trip) is familiar and aware of the company they are using.
So Kyla you enjoy your experience. Feel the rush as you leap out the door of a perfectly good airplane. Feel the air rush pass you at unbelievable speeds as you hurtle towards the earth with some nylon and bits of string between you and the unforgiving ground! Know that my heart will be with you, feeling your excitement and wishing I was there with you!
Well maybe not literally there with you, but I’ll be there in spirit. You go girl! October 24 Is it election time?I would never be so cynical (no, I would) to suspect that a politician would do something good for their constituents just before an election. But I’m very suspicious of what I’ve just seen.
I’ve lived in my house a year and a half and in all of that time, the intersection at the end of the street I live on has been in a state of terrible disrepair. A culvert was breaking through the pavement (causing traffic to divert to one side of the road to avoid serious damage to a car), there was a growing hole that threatened to encompass the intersection and a manhole and cover in the middle of the intersection rose up to challenge the under carriage of your car. If nothing else the intersection was good for slowing traffic down.
Now there are municipal election coming up on November 13. The signs are all over the place – quite ugly actually! The mayor has a challenger as do the councillors. I would vote in the election, but I haven’t bothered to get involved in local politics to understand the issue or who is running.
So it was with a mixture of pleasure and suspicion that I saw the old pavement and bumps had been ripped up yesterday and today when I got home from work a new and very smooth layer of asphalt covered the entire intersection.
What ever the reason, I’m glad it has been corrected. Now when I ride my bike through the area I don’t have to worry that I’m not driving an off road vehicle.
Take care….. October 23 Confession TimePSSSSSSST….come here! I’ve got something to tell you. Oh man, I can’t believe I’m going to say this. But I’ve got to get this off my chest and cleanse my soul. I’ve been watching “Dancing With The Stars” and enjoying it!
There I’ve said it! Its out there for everyone to know. It is such a weight off me.
The reason I’m enjoying the show so much is that I want to dance those dances. I want to learn how to dance like that. OK, those who know me can stop laughing NOW!
I actually have pretty good rhythm. I even won a hip shaking contest on a Cruise Ship Contest in my youth (mid twenties). And I’ve always danced around the house. When I’m cooking or cleaning I can often be found dancing around to the music playing in the back ground. That was usually much to the embarrassment of my daughters!
Even now, when the music starts on “Dancing With The Stars” I can feel my body wanting to move and groove to the music. I can’t sit still when I hear music that moves me. Even in church, when an upbeat worship song is played, I’m “swaying to the music” right there in the congregation.
But all of my dancing has been of the rock free style variety. I really want to learn how to dance with a partner, where together you become one with the music. The Jive, Jazz, Ballroom, The Samba, The Rumba and what ever other mamba you want to throw in are the ones that interest me. It looks so beautiful to see those couples (OK, other than Jerry Springer), gliding across the dance floor. To know where your partner will be moving and to choreograph your step with theirs. WOW!
I’m not so excited to learn the Chicken, Polka or Square Dancing. Depending on the partner and the curve of the blue jeans, I would be willing to tackle a country line dance! ;).
Maybe one day I’ll find someone who wants to take dance lessons with me – then watch out world, cause here I come! October 11 Answering the Cell PhoneSo I’m sitting in one of the toilet stalls in the washroom at work when my cell phone begins to ring. It was impulsive, but with lightning speed I reached down to my pants, which were around my ankles, and pulled the cell phone out of my belt holster.
It is amazing the pull a ringing phone has for our society. Very few people I know can ignore a ringing phone. I’ve seen people at work being involved in very serious conversations and they jump to the phone as soon as it rings. Or they cast glances between the phone and the person who is living and breathing in front of them, as if to be deciding which is more important. The phone will usually win out. Then they will give that half hearted gesture of “just a minute” as if to apologize to the person who should have been getting their attention.
Fortunately there was no one else in the washroom, so I didn’t feel too awkward going “Hello”. But i couldn't help think I was in a bad Seinfeld episode where the person in the stall says “hello” and the person standing outside the cubicle thinks their talking to them. There is the look of confusion and then an awkward reply, only to eventually figure out they are not talking to you. I’ve had that happen to me at least once I dare to remember.
As I answer the phone I can’t help thinking how stupid this is. I’m feeling strangely uncomfortable and wonder if the person on the other end could hear the hollow sound I was hearing. Or if they could picture me sitting on the throne, pants around my ankles, having a wonderful conversation with them.
I know one thing for sure – I felt stupid and decided right there that I would NEVER answer my cell if I was in the toilet again – that is why I have call logging and voice mail – I can call them back.
Weekend’s coming – enjoy! October 10 Thinking outside the boxI got a lesson in thinking outside of the box over the weekend and it came from my daughter, which makes it all the more special.
I took the doors off my closet when I moved into my house. They were sliders and they frustrated me since I couldn’t get unobstructed access to the items in the closet. So I took them off with plans to put something up. That was over a year ago. Hey, no sense rushing these things and it was my closet – no one else had to look at it.
This has not been total procrastination. I did search out at a couple of stores for curtains that I thought I could put up, but could never find anything that was the right size and didn’t want to spend over $50 for this. I even talked to my renter about sewing a sheet that I would put up.
Alas it was Sunday and we were shopping at Wal-Mart (yes, I take my daughter to ALL the best shopping spots – and this is North Bay!) when she announced she had to look for a shower curtain.
“Shower curtain? You live in Residence, what do you need a shower curtain for?” She proceed to explain that her closet doors had fallen off and were not going to be replaced, so she wanted something inexpensive to cover the hole.
I followed with great interest.
Lo and behold, not only were they the right size, but they were the right price! I never thought of that. I really have to slow down and start thinking outside the little box I call a brain. It is wonderful what you can come up with when you do!
I now have a lovely ivory coloured cover on my closet door. Really makes the room look more organized too! BONUS.
Take care and have a great day. August 18 SocksHow can buying socks be so difficult and frustrating? It has become a major challenge in my life. I’m pursuing this as hard as a female companion.
It is not for lack of available socks in the stores. There are many brands, many style, MANY hideous colours and patterns. No; my challenge is finding socks that fit and won’t empty my bank account.
I have small feet – well maybe short feet – size 6 EEE (ok no jokes about me being vertically challenged and fat!). I have searched through Sears, Wal-Mart, Work Wearhouse, and few specialty stores and have only found socks that are for a foot size of 7 – 11.
In all the racks, as high a store wall, through all the brands, all the designers, all the colours, there are NO socks for small feet.
If I buy those “regular” socks they come up to my knees and the heal is half way up my calf! If I wanted to look like an old guy I’d go out and look for knee socks! But I don’t, so I don’t want knee socks. I want a simple sock that will come up to just above my ankles.
Oh, and I don’t want to pay a small ransom for them. Nobody is going to see them and I am certainly not going to walk around flashing the fact I have designer socks on! So “Pierre Cardin” or “Tommy Hilfiger” get over yourselves and lower your price to something that a person without an over inflated ego or pompous self image would like to wear.
I have resorted to buying ladies socks at times, but alas that is a crap shoot, cause I never quite know if the style is going to work. I bought a 3 pair pack at Wal-Mart and thought I was doing pretty good. Got them home and they didn’t come over my ankles. #)($)#@(*$@)#()! BTW Mom – when you come for you visit in September, I’ve got three really nice pair of blue socks for you!
So I continue my hunt. All I want is plain coloured comfortable socks. I don’t wear tartan, stripes, pink or purple. I like white sport socks, black, blue or brown socks. And I long to find a pair that is made for a man with size six feet!
Actually I would really like to go bare foot in sandals all the time. If I didn’t have to wear socks I’d be one of the happiest people in town. Sock are conformity, constriction and are always getting lost in the dryer.
But alas, I must conform to societal norms and so I continue my quest for the perfect (or at least acceptable) sock. And for those reading this – I have a birthday coming up in September – I don’t think socks would be a gift idea!
Take care. |
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